Life without a wife! 

Life without a wife! 

The subject of sex is one of the most private and most mysterious areas of our lives. Even my relationship with God cannot be as private. Even in marriage, sex does not become a public matter; it remains an ‘intimate secret’ to be kept between the couple. And that’s the way it should be. A problem of the modern world is that what should be kept private has become public and what is supposed to be public is becoming private. Especially for me as a religious celibate, as a consecrated virgin, there is nothing more private more mystifying, and perhaps more daunting and unnerving than managing and wrestling with my sexuality and how to express it.

By today’s standards I am what people would consider a "prude'. I have always believed and interiorized the divine teaching that sex between two people who are not married to each other is forbidden because it does not mean what it should and it becomes destructive of relationships. This attitude has been tested time and again by my own sex drive and desires, by beautiful lady friends and by fellow Christians' values.

Nevertheless I find plenty of support for my "conservative" stance, both in witnessing the lived experience of many around me, and in the scriptures. *

And so I feel the need to select the movies I watch, the books I read, magazines I buy and parties I attend. People sometimes have made fun of me for being "puritanical", but I believe I am sensibly prudent. If I intend to remain faithful to my vows, I cannot afford to excite feelings that cannot be fulfilled. I prefer to choose sanctity, honour and God's will over my passionate desires. At least I try! Even though the saying goes - “Just because you're on a diet it doesn't mean you can't look at the menu!” - if I'm worried about my weight and I want to reduce the temptation to snack, I must keep out of delicatessens and ice-cream parlours. Similarly, if I want to be holy as a religious celibate, I need to avoid sexual lures. And so, I keep away from blue movies and erotic-novels and porn-sites on the web, ... to minimise the temptations that lead to sexual sin. It is too difficult for me, I know, to have just one chip from a packet and stop myself from gulping down the whole packet!

While keeping physically fit and active, and avoiding temptations, and developing self-control and discipline, I still have to fight the inner battle. I need to pray constantly because I do have an appetite for the sweetness of a kiss, the passion of an embrace, the ecstasy of intercourse, the warmth of a wife's body next to mine. The sacrifice required, is a heart-rending physical and emotional struggle. Daily I've got to re-commit my mind and body to the will of God. I must place all my relationships in God's hand. I need to avoid situations that could put me in a compromising position. I must die to myself and pick up the cross of chastity because I have accepted the invitation of Jesus to follow him in this way of living out my sexuality. And obedience to his will does have benefits. I do live, as a result of my commitment to religious celibacy, with a deep inner peace and freedom. I'm not afraid of being used, abused, or infected with any of the diseases and painful consequences of promiscuity. I have no worry about "what if" I should father a child.

Abstinence is risk-free! By re-channelling my physical energies and tensions as I abstain, I manage to control my sex drive rather than allow it to control me! The effects of chastity and my struggle to live it, is that I am drawn closer to Jesus in an inexplicable way. The pain of the cross led to the joy of the resurrection. Jesus continues to promise that as we carry our cross, trusting in him, he will draw us closer to himself and his father, and fill us with his Spirit of peace and joy.

And still those feelings of loneliness, of a painful void, and the doubts that "I'm missing out on something" sometimes attack me and provoke desires for something more than just a "soul-mate". So I understand how easily a nun can fall in love with a priest she works with. How priests feel romantically attracted to women they counsel. Novels, movies, mags and soap operas are full of stories of people who have a longing for those who are unavailable and who regrettably eventually break their vows. They are usually shown in such a compassionate light that they no longer are considered to have failed in their original commitment, or as the cause of a scandal. Sadly we are not exposed in the same way to the edifying stories of people learning to live with unrequited love because they are committed to their vows. I have met heroic people who having been “dumped” by their spouse, have decided to remain faithful to their side of their vow: “Till death do us part!” They are an inspiration to me in my battle to be faithful to my vows of chaste celibacy.

As a consecrated religious I do not become exempt from falling in love; not exempt from the longing to let my feelings go and fulfil my fantasies. But I know I don't need to panic over these feelings, nor allow myself to be controlled by them. I need to accept them for what they are: FEELINGS - which in themselves are neither right nor wrong. It is normal to feel attraction and love for another. What I must remember is that while God does not judge my feelings as right or wrong, he does judge my intentions and actions. Society's tacit approval of "affairs" does not make them OK. Acting out feelings of attraction, as sincere and deep as these feelings may be, is not God's way, and would bring pain and turmoil into my life. And so I need to put up some “crash barriers". Some more or less strict controls, disciplinary measures on ourselves.

Abiding by the rules and regulations (disciplinary protocols) of my Salesian congregation is certainly a solid support. Sometimes radical choices need to be made, before the danger of drifting into a compromising relationship. It may even mean having to terminate or at least sideline a wonderful relationship. Blow out the match before it ignites a flaming passion! Or at least minimise contact with the "unavailable" person. It is far easier to blow out a candle than to put out a forest fire. Being single is difficult; I continue to crave for companionship, for mutual affection, and my feelings can so easily be misdirected or lost control of. Feelings will be feelings! Fortunately, I can turn to Jesus with them, for the strength to direct them creatively according to his call. He won't blow out the match for me, but He will give me the breath to do so.

One of dangers of being celibate or single, is that it is so easy to be selfish. When you do not have obligations to a spouse or children, your time is more your own, your privacy is much less interrupted. I am not constantly disturbed by noisy children wanting me to play with them. I have no dependant relying on me to prepare their meal; nobody who could not live without my paycheque. No spouse or children anxiously waiting for me to come home every evening. I can get away with a lot more than those who are married. I am not as accountable 24/7. As a celibate, my life and time is much more my own. That is why do I need to give priority to my obligations to my community and those I am sent to, and be careful about sports and leisure interests ever being an excuse for not attending to a request for a bit of my time. My community must be given the status of a spouse, and parishioners and charges need to be granted priority attention that my children would!

As a child I experienced hugs in a positive, growth producing way. It helped me to realise I was loved; therefore loveable; therefore able to love myself. As a celibate adult, I have experienced the lack of hugs, though still in a positive growth producing way. While I still yearn for physical touch, I have discovered, and I appreciate the infinite variety and value of non-physical hugs. A letter in the post, a phone call, a thank-you card... These are wonderful hugs that warm my heart in much the same way as a tender embrace or bear hug could. And if there is no one about, to give me a hug when I badly need one, by re-reading old letters, looking through my family photos, or sitting down to write an email or make a phone call, will usually produce a return "hug". And then if I am open to seeing and experiencing God's touch in my life, I discover he is "hugging" me. A bird hopping onto my window sill, a baby sleeping in its mother's arms, a very still frosty morning, the smell of good coffee, the crackle of fire in the hearth, a favourite piece of music, a look of understanding and sympathy in the eyes of a friend, are all so many "hugs" from God.

Yes my loving creator hugs me in ways only he can; through the brilliance of a sunset, the full moon reflected on the sea, the delicate scent of flowers, the gold of autumn leaves... Nature becomes for me the sacrament of God, and through it I feel God's breath-taking embrace. Moreover, through the seven special sacraments, I experience God touching me lovingly. Jesus has taught me so much about the affection, the affirmation, the love communicated through hugs; through all kinds of hugs. He has taught me also that if I wish to receive hugs I must start by giving hugs!

[Francois Dufour sdb – 2006]

* Gen 39:6-10;   Lev 18:22;   Ezek 23:13;   Prov 7:25; Eccles 3:1-8; 1Cor 6:9-18; Eph 4:17 + 5:3; Heb 13:4; Rev 2:20;... Gen 39:6-10;   Lev 18:22;   Ezek 23:13;   Prov 7:25; Eccles 3:1-8; 1Cor 6:9-18; Eph 4:17 + 5:3; Heb 13:4; Rev 2:20;...