Sexy - Saint or Sinner

Sexy - saint or sinner

You know, I hate the way we tend to consider saints as nerds and drips.

Unfortunately we look on God’s way as sort of good and admirable, but devoid of fun. And we’re so afraid not to have fun. And that fear doesn’t fade when you pass the age of 21. It continues our whole life long. The biggest obstacle to taking God seriously at any stage of life is that we’re afraid we’re not gonna be able to have fun anymore.

In contrast, what the world has to offer appears so sexciting.

We also compare marriage with just dating or living together.

Marriage seems so dull in comparison. Sadly, it’s because we look at our mothers and fathers! And soooo many parents provide us with a rather sad picture of married life.

Now you guys have a job to do about that! How much responsibility do you take for the passion, the sexual excitement of your parents? Wow! What a way-out idea?

Well, the simple truth is that for your parents, if they’re not passionate and sexy with each other, then they’re definitely sinners! Because that’s what marriage is supposed to be – a passionate life-long love story.

We’re so worried about missing out if we take God seriously. That’s because we have misunderstood religion completely. Who created sex? It wasn’t us human beings – it was God himself! And he did not create it to have it rejected or wasted. Any talent, any gift that almighty God gives us – whatever that talent is – whether it’s strength, energy, acting, intelligence, sports, music,… he wants us to develop it to the fullest possible degree. Remember the parable of the talents!…

And the same applies to our gift of sexuality. It’s not something that we are supposed to bury or hide away. It’s supposed to be developed. But it won’t be developed by trying to bury it nor by misusing it! We know that our brain should be developed; and we go to school and study…

Well so should our sexuality. And we think that we automatically grow into our sexuality without any working at it. Not true! We grow into our bodies alright; but our sexuality is much more; it’s our whole persons. And again I repeat, a saint has to be sexual, otherwise that saint is not human. And that’s the first thing a saint must be: a full, whole human being.

The gospel calls us to conversion. The gospel says: “Change your way of life! It challenges everybody on the face of this planet. And I think that in God’s plan, for the average person, the first and most serious conversion experience that most people ever have, and it is a deeply spiritual experience, is falling in love. Until that time we are very self-seeking; and that is precisely what the gospel is calling us out of. And once we fall in love, we become other centred. Those who were totally self-centred, wrapped up in themselves, start to think about someone else, become other-centred. And they become so generous! I always know when a boy is ready to break up with a girl. As soon as he starts complaining about how much she is costing him, then he’s on the point of breaking up. Meanwhile, when he was in love, he was proud of how he could afford her expensive tastes. He even took pride in that.

What does scripture tell us about sex? It’s kind of strong! In Ephesians 5, St Paul says: “As for lewd conduct or lust of any sort, let them not even be mentioned among you! Your holiness forbids this.” What holiness? Well remember we are all the body of Christ; we have an inherent holiness. So there’s no place for vulgar pub-talk or playground jokes.

What a lot of you here today probably would like from me is a list of rules, to which you might nod their heads here, and then just continue to ignore when you go out from here. Some would like me to say: “Well you can do this, you can go that far; that’s alright but this is not... and so on. But that’s crazy. We are talking about human beings and about love; not about biological units, or scientific experiments. There are no clear-cut rules, but there are plenty of values.

One thing that I really want to avoid with all my heart, is I don’t want to send anyone on a guilt trip. Some of us here may have made mistakes. Well the first thing to remember is that this … is not the greatest sin that we can commit. I’m not saying it’s not wrong; I’m just pointing out that there are sins in other areas of life which are a lot worse, but we don’t even think of them. Anyway, what we can do is make a fresh start here today – clear the deck and start over from scratch. The Lord is merciful! Sometimes this wallowing in guilt is just a form of self-pity or an excuse for thinking: “Ag well I’ve blown my chances of going to heaven so I may as well continue the way I am.” Detours are not dead ends! God allows u-turns; he’s glad when we take the second chance he gives us.

On the other hand, let’s not fall into the trap of thinking: “God loves me just the way I am!” Of course God loves us totally and completely, but sometimes he hates the way we are. Because it’s not what he made. Remember the woman caught in adultery? And anytime we hear her story again our hearts go pitter-patter and we say: “Isn’t that cute; isn’t that typical of Jesus. We love to hear him say: “Has no one condemned you lady? – well neither will I!” And we listen no further. That’s the nerd school of theology, forgetting the most important part, when Jesus says: “Hey babe, from now on, knock it off!”

The church appreciates the specialness of sexuality. Jesus himself is sexual. He was a man; a real honest to goodness man! Remember him again at the well with the Samaritan woman? Remember how she was sort of flirty, and Jesus let her do what she was good at by “flirting” with her. He chaffed her for a glass of water. She reacted, going “ooh, ahh! What?! You a Jewish man asking me a Samaritan woman and a stranger for a drink! That’s not supposed to happen!” And that’s how he got her attention. Jesus always knew how to tackle people at the point they were at; and that’s why people were so responsive to him.

And Jesus loves his body, US, who are sexual. He even loves us passionately, sexually! Now by “sexually” I’m not talking about genital activity. I mean in our manhood and womanhood, femininity and masculinity; the whole complex of our personhood which is masculine or feminine. You know, no-one can love me except as a man. Not just as a person. What is a disembodied person. A ghost! I don’t know about you but I don’t think I could ever love a ghost if ever I met one. All love is definitely sexual. We can compare this to the eucharist. The eucharist is the most intimate experience in the church. That’s why I believe that anybody who receives the eucharist in any church must be totally committed to that church’s way of life. It isn’t good enough that they believe that this bread/host is in fact the body of Christ. It must include evidence of commitment to the body of Christ which is the believing community. Similarly, anybody who gets involved in a sexual relationship needs to be totally committed to a way of life with that woman or that man. A short & sweet way of stating all this is: “The level of intimacy must be matched by the level of commitment”. And until the commitment is total, neither should intimacy be total!

All, or I suppose I should say, most of you have been raised in a family, a home, and I bet you, that those of you who live or have lived in a home with a highly charged sexual atmosphere between your mother and father, are the luckiest guys and girls in this room. Because the best way to be love, is through the loving sexual desire of your mom and dad for one another. When their love is individually directed towards you, they get very picky! When their love is directed towards each other first, and then flows over onto you, they just melt. Because they’ll say: ‘Oh cute; he looks just like his dad!” But when that sexual/passionate love is lacking, they’ll say: “He’s just like his father; and I have to put up with it from him, but I’m not gonna put up with it from any snotty-nosed kid!”

So you do have a real stake in improving the sexual climate of your home. And if you think our mom and dad are forever picking on you, don’t tell them to get off your back. Just ask them to start hugging each other. Try it! You’ll see the difference that makes!

Each of us, man or woman cannot understand ourselves as persons except in a sexual context. I’m not just a person with sex. I am a sexual person. My whole being! The doctors tell us that every single cell in our body, even the tiniest one on the end of our pinky is stamped male or female. It’s not just our genitals that are sexual. It’s us! Each of us has been given the gift of sexuality as a special means to grow closer to God. Unfortunately we tend to think that we have this thing called sex, and we must control it, even suppress it for God’s sake, and that our relationship with God must be a-sexual. God doesn’t want a bunch of wimps going to him. He wants real men, real women going to him. And actually the way to get closer to God is through our relationships, which are never a-sexual. Remember the command Jesus gave us was not to just do good things. His command was – “Love one another as I have loved you!”

Sexuality is our humanness. It’s not an activity. It’s the whole person, and it’s an energy waiting to be released. Now it can be released in self-centred, self-seeking/ indulgent activity like masturbation. Or it can be used as a bargaining tool to earn favours: take me to the show and I’ll reward you; or it can be manipulative and seductive, or it can be used to respond to peer pressure and act the show-off – so I’ll have a lion skin to brag in front of the boys, or a story to take back to the girls.

Or I can use my sexuality for open trusting relationship building. And this I can only do if I’m sexy in God’s way. You and I may lack a lot of qualities, may not be at all gifted brain-wise or physique-wise, or personality-wise, but if we’re sexy God’s way, then we’ll never be boring to anybody around us.

One of the questions on the minds of most of you here much of the time when thinking of sexuality is: “Why not premarital sex?” I’ve been asked that hundreds of times. For me it’s helped me clarify the answer not only from the bible or church stance, but from simple common sense and observation of the experience of people around me. But this question can be such a burden on a date; why not?

Well, we’re not saying no to premarital sex because it’s so bad, but because it’s so good, so precious. Not because it’s forbidden, but because it’s so important, it means so much. You see. It’s not like a hug or a kiss. Intercourse proclaims: “I’m yours. Forever! Completely. I belong to you exclusively from now on in a way that I cannot belong to anyone else. Not even to my parents. And it’s not just for now, today, this week/month/ year, but forever. Till the death of one of us! There are hardly any other signs in the world which can mean as much. The trouble is the sign has been so misused it has lost its meaning. It’s been devalued to mean only: I feel attracted to you for the moment; Let’s have some fun together”. What would you say if you handed me a R100.00 note and I insisted it was only a R10.00 note and refused to give you your money’s worth of grocery items. What do you think it feels like when one believes sex means forever but the other claims it’s only for tonight. What do you think God feels when he sees us devaluing one of his best gifts to a lie. Suppose also that I came up to you, all smiles on my face, hand out in greeting, but as you come up to shake my hand I punch you squarely in the face. Imagine how surprised you’d be! But more than surprised and physically hurt, you’d be disgusted by my deceit. And your feelings of deception would make you no longer trust me at all... Just imagine those feelings... And if you complained about it, I could excuse myself and say: “Well I didn’t mean anything by smiling. I was just grinning because I felt like it, not because I was in a friendly mood.” And this is what so many are doing with sex. “I didn’t mean forever; I just meant for last week. Besides, did I even ever say I loved you? It’s a matter of pride to me you know: very few of my friends have been able like me to get a girl in bed without even saying those words. I’ve just proved it again how good I must be for you to fall for me without me even pretending to love you.

To use another example: say you’re in a cinema and you start screaming “Fire! Fire!” and everyone scrambles out in a panic, and some get hurt… When you get accused of raising a false alarm, do you think you will be able to defend yourself in court with the claim: “I didn’t mean that! I just lit a match!” Signs do have a very real significance, and we cannot change them to suit our meaning.

But what I wish to get you to understand is that even if two people do not mean it, the act of sexual intercourse says it all the same. In body language, it declares what wedding vows declare. And whenever it doesn’t, then it’s a lie. It’s deception. It’s like a crooked contract which one or both parties do not even intend to honour. And hurt is always the result. Outside of marriage sex is destructive, because it’s a lie – it cannot mean what it’s supposed to mean, and the sense of betrayal will damage the relationship. The problem with premarital sex is not the sex; it’s the betrayal, the devaluing of an act which is meant to express total loving commitment. It makes one or even both feel used and taken advantage of. Most times there’s an immense feeling of regret. Just look through a few magazines and read the Agony letters!

Someone always gets hurt, because he or she really really believed in being loved totally and forever. It can be the man; it can be the woman, it can be both, but at least one gets fooled, and the deception hurts like hell. I don’t know how many young people I’ve tried to console, who were broken hearted, who felt they would never be able to trust anyone of the opposite sex again. The suffering and heartache is as hurtful as a divorce.

One of the ironic consequences of all the promiscuity around is that you can’t go out with different “dates” anymore. If I go out once with somebody, then I’m supposed to not go out with anyone else after even only date. We’ve got to try to cut out this kind of thinking through good Christian group dating, and also by making sure that our dating is not over physical. As soon as we start getting physical, and I’m not talking about intercourse or even fondling and necking, but just holding hands, cuddling up,… then we begin to stake our claim: We belong to each other, so don’t start touching anyone else or I’ll accuse you of infidelity. It’s terrible that if I go out with one girl I can’t go out with any other without being labeled promiscuous. Or that any girl who goes out with me is betraying her boyfriend if they haven’t broken up. That would be the correct thing if our date gets physical; but can we not date as good friends and get to know a whole range of guys and girls instead of only one exclusively.

I suppose one thing we do need to be aware of is that wherever you leave off on the last date is where you start on the next date. And so it will get more involved date by date, the more we touch even if we believe in saving sex for marriage. So we need to be prudent and clarify what is out of bounds in our dating.

One thing the sex in marriage should be is unique, incomparable. Should not be able to compare my husband or my wife to anybody else; he may be the lousiest lover in the world, but I think he’s great because he’s the only one I’ve had. She may be Miss Stick, but I think she wonderful, the best lover on earth, since she’s the only one I know. As long as there are no comparisons there will not be any of those destructive sexual put-downs in a relationship. Sex is too intimate to be compared.

You know, virginity is not a piece of skin; it’s integrity of person. It’s coming to the marriage, to my beloved, with the whole of me. Not with the leftovers from what I’ve already given away. And that is as important for us guys as it is for the women in this room. Guys have just as strong memories as girls. Guys are just as likely to compare. And you have no right to say anything about a woman and her sexual activity unless you yourself are playing it straight. You know, in marriage I’m never a failure or worse than, if there are no comparisons. And that prevents my having to perform as well as so and so, when there are no comparisons. I don’t have to keep living up to someone else’s expectations. Sex is the one thing a husband and wife can absolutely learn together in their married life, from A-Z. Everything else that we bring into a relationship we have learnt elsewhere, from parents, teachers, the media.

Deep down there’s a desire in each one to be our full selves and nothing but ourselves. That requires a virgin mind and soul! That’s why even young people still do dream of marrying a virgin. That’s why it’s so important to play it God’s way, the gospel way, the churches’ way. No one knows me as you do. That’s what you say by offering the gift of virginity to your spouse on your wedding day. Being a virgin at marriage means: “I’m giving you the whole of me; I have not given any part of my heart away prematurely. So no one else has a claim on this unique aspect of our relationship.”

Meanwhile, we do need to affirm the sexuality of people around us; fellow young people, young adults and even our parents need lots of sexual affirmation. Let’s not just praise them for their dedicated care of their children, or the voluntary work they do or their spiritual witnessing. Let’s praise them for their passionate love for each other and invite them to manifest it even more. If your parents are irritating you in anyway, just begin affirming their sexuality, and you’ll quickly discover how loving they can be.

Affirm your friends’ sexuality too. Beware of physical criticism. Anyone who has an acne problem or is overweight knows it better than anyone who is looking at them. Criticism does terrible things to the sexual self-image of a woman or man. Some people are shy, some people are slow, but remember, the gospel says: “Anybody who calls his brother a nerd or a jerk is worthy of hell-fire. I wish we could eliminate from our vocabulary those words with which we so often hear people described. Name-calling/Labeling, is rotten to do to anyone. Usually it is done behind the guy’s back in the middle of a group of girls, and none of them will ever look seriously at him again, not because they don’t like him, but because all the other girls (who often are no great prize-winners themselves) have condemned him, and so no ways can I dare to be seen with him, for fear of being mocked myself. The consequence is that he won’t have a date for months to come. So many find themselves in the embarrassing situation of have nowhere to go out to and nowhere to go out with. How many in this (parish/school/club) feel so unmanly, so unwomanly because they are never invited out. Oh yes, we’re very polite, very nice towards them at meetings and general gatherings, but we never invite them to join our outings.

Sex is not something. It is someone. Us! We want to learn and talk about sex rather than about our sexuality. We focus on sex as an “it”. It becomes something that we do rather than who we are. But there’s no such thing as sex really. There are only sexual persons. I remember guys at school returning from weekends asking: “Hey, did you get it!?” It was IT!

And then the present is to reduce sex to just a bit of fun. That’s like turning a guitar into a cricket bat. Sex is much more than fun.

So often sex is self-centred. Once while I visiting a family, one of the older teenaged sons returned from a date and I heard the parents ask: “Did you have a nice time?” They didn’t ask whether she, his girlfriend, had had an enjoyable date. And what that conveys is that the way to judge a date is according to whether I like it. Whether she had a good time is her problem, or her parents’ problem! Or perhaps they presumed that if their son had a nice time then she must have had a good time too because she was out with him! Do you ever ask yourself whether your date enjoyed the evening, apart from asking yourself whether she’ll go out with you again – because that is really just another self-centred question.

Sometimes I’ve heard a girl say: “Well I did it for him!” Bull----! Some girls live in this damn self-delusion that they’re the generous earth mother, distributing their goodies to save poor lonesome cowboys. Anytime a girl engages in sex, she does it for herself, no less than the guys do.

I remember the story of a guy who said that when he organized a party, he would invite five guys and six girls, and he’d have a large jar of punch, telling them that it was heavily laced with vodka or cane spirits, while actually his punch consisted only of fruit juices and soda pop. And every party he ran, after ½ an hour five out of the six girls would pretend to be drunk, and he knew he could score, and that’s why he did it. He never even had to work at it.

“Everybody does it!” That’s another chorus line which is used to OK it, isn’t it?

All I can think of is – “Everybody is doing it, doing it, picking their nose and chewing it!” Everybody tells lies; does that mean it’s OK to tell lies? If a guy pressures you to just do it with that line, tell him that he should find lots of other customers for his lust if that is the case.

The next argument is: “Well I’m young… you know, when I get a job I’ll get married and settle down, and be more serious and responsible.” We imagine that there’s two lives – the life of a young person, and there’s the life of someone who’s over-age, like over-21, you know. But there’s only one me! And I’m the same me all through. And I take all the activities and attitudes which I have at 16 or 18 with me into my future life. I’m an individual, not several people. I can’t split my life into different personalities and time zones. Unless I’m a psycho or schizophrenic.

Boys think that girls expect sex, and girls think that boys expect them to expect sex. And so the two sides are going out together with these sex-pectations, so much so that they don’t even relate with each other as simple persons. He thinks: “She won’t see me as a man unless I come on strong. And the girl is afraid her friends will say that she isn’t much of a date if he didn’t try anything on her, so she encourages him to. Of course she’ll say NO!, But he’s got to try, otherwise she’ll tell her friends he’s such a pansy! And you know, these days I hear more physical demands from girls than from guys. They’re always talking about hunks and that sort of stuff. Just sit in an office or waiting room on a Monday morning, … or check out the soap and perfume adverts. (Ego-ad?) Then when a guy comes out with body-talk, they indignantly accuse him of chauvinism. Well I do admit that there are some mcp.s -male chauvinist pigs. But there are just as many fcs.s – female chauvinist sows!

How far can I go? That’s the classic question isn’t it? Know what the answer is? About two kilometers! Or – it depends where you’re going! But this is really an exploitative question. The question reformulated basically is: How can I use this other person so that I don’t commit a big sin, but I can still get my kicks. It doesn’t focus on the other person’s good or on what is most loving, but on what can I get out of this; instead of how much can I give.

On a date, who should control the sex? I think most people expect the woman to do so. And you know, the result is that after she’s married, she continues to. And a man becomes a beggar in his own bed. Because she’s been trained all along to ration out the cookies from the cookie jar. And when he’s nice he gets it, and when he’s not so nice, he doesn’t, and Mummy takes care of him. Listen guys – we have to be just as responsible on a date as the woman is, and it is for the sake of your own happiness in marriage. Because if your future wife is the one who has to do the controlling for several years before marriage, she’s not gonna stop because she has walked down the isle with you!

To get back to the first question: Why do I have to wait? Again this is an exploitative question. That’s using the other to take care of my urges. But the best answer to that is: you don’t have to wait. Get married. But if you’re not ready to get married, then you’re not ready for sex! You might claim that you’re ready to get married but you need to finish uni or tech first. Who says you’ve got to. If you’re ready to get married, get married. You don’t need an expensive wedding, and you can study as a married couple no less than as a single. You know – it’s like parachuting – if you’re not ready to jump with a parachute then you’re not ready to sky-dive! If you’re not ready for marriage, then you’re not ready for sex. Full-stop!

Happiness in life is determined more by self-appreciation than anything else; and self-appreciation is very closely connected with our sexuality. I cannot appreciate myself as anything else except as a man.

Have you ever talked to your mom and dad about their dating days? You might answer that things are too different now so what’s the point. They don’t have a clue about the new millenium. Pity! Well as far as I know, anybody who is 36 has been 16, but I don’t know of anyone who is now 16 who has also been 36 previously! Please give your folks some credit. Times change a bit but not that much.

You know, one of the things I hear most often from young people is: “I want people to trust me.” Well if you want to be trusted, you’ve got to give trust. Don’t complain that your parents don’t trust you because I’ll ask you: Do you trust your parents? Do you share with them about what you did at the party, or on your date. Do you tell them your worries? Do you confide with your mom or dad what your love for your sweetheart means to you? If you claim that your parents don’t trust you, it’s probably because you haven’t done so. Can’t we treat our parents as adults? Start talking about their dating and go on to talk about your own romances. The problem is not that they don’t / won’t understand you. The problem is that they understand you too well!

Who are your friends? – Your friends determine more who you date than almost any other factor in your life. (social class, area, ) So let me ask you guys: ‘Would you like your sister to marry one of your buddies? “Oh no!” Well then you shouldn’t be hanging around with those guys. Girls- “Would you want your brother to marry one of your girlfriends?” – “Well yeah; I hate him!” … Well OK, one or two might not be that bad to have as brothers or sisters in law, but the rest NO! Well then why the hell are you going with a bunch like that for? “Well they’re fun to be with!” Yes, but what they are doing is they are gradually making you the kind of person somebody would not want their sister to marry. Because the longer you hang around with that type, the more you become that type. “Ag well, they are that way now, but don’t worry they’ll straighten out!” Not necessarily!

Who I date is very important. It’s not just for now, but it can make a diffs to my whole future. So do I date on the basis that they’re the wild crowd? Only on the basis that they’re the best-looking hunks or chicks? Or do I try to find somebody who will make me more than I could ever be on my own as a man or as a woman?

First rule of thumb my friends, is you should try to date Catholic/Christian, because if you don’t date catholic, you’re unlikely to fall in love with a catholic and you won’t marry …catholic. We’ve got to see that marrying in the faith family is of tremendous significance. Now, of course, if being catholic is not important to you, then of course it’s of no importance for you to date catholic. But if you claim that being catholic is important to you, then of course this should be one of your considerations in your dating. And I would say the same for those who consider their Anglican or Baptist or Pentecostal faith as important. At the very least don’t go with anyone who is not a committed believer/christian. That’s of the wonderful things about church youth groups – you should be matchmaking for one another.

There was a census taken in the USA a few years ago. The results showed that 1 in every 3 marriages end in divorce; (SA = 1 in every 2 and a half now). But if a couple married in church and go to church regularly, the divorce rate drops to 1 in 50. And if a couple marry in the same faith family, practice that faith regularly and pray together as a family, the divorce rate drops to 1 in 1105. Minimal! Divorce is a real problem in our society – some of you have probably suffered from the trauma it involves, and anyone who has two bytes of a brain to rub together doesn’t want to get into a marriage which is likely to break up. So what I recommend to you, is that if you are serious when you say: “I never want to get divorced!” then you better date a sincerely religious person. And you need to start praying with that person now, when you go out, and not say – well it’s enough to start praying once we’re married. If you can’t pray together now, you won’t be able to pray together afterwards! Whenever I suggest this sort of thing I get looks as if I’m some kind of living dinosaur! Yes, it sounds just way out, freakish, uncool. I don’t mean that you’ve got to spend the whole date praying, going to church or interrupting your jives on the dancing floor to fall into prayer. But how about just an Our Father at some moment on the way or before saying goodnight.

To conclude let me insist on what I really want you to remember: the more sexy you become (not sexually active!), the more you will fulfill God’s plan. Another way of saying that is: the more you are a woman, the more you are a man, the more pleasing you are to God. Now that’s not about how many times you “score”, but how much of a man are you for the women in your life at present. Like – how are you with your mother? Do you treat her as your taxi-driver; she’s always got to be ready to take you to where you wanna go? Well that’s how you will treat your wife! How do you treat your sister? Is she there just to take all your abuse? How do you treat your girlfriends? How do you relate to your grandmother even, or a lady teacher at school? If you’re a girl, how do you treat your father? Is it arguments between you and him every day? How do you relate to your brother? Are you affectionate with the men in your life? You know, you’ll tend to be no more “sexual” after your marriage than you are now with the guys in your life. So if you can’t kiss your father, or if you can’t hug you brother, then you better warn your future husband that he can expect a cold marriage. Again also I repeat: it’s not sexual activity which develops your sexuality, but being a full person. It’s just as important to be highly sexual as it is to be highly educated. So the church says to you – Go for it. Be as much of a woman, be as much of a man as you can be, because we, the church and God need you that way!

• Francois Dufour sdb – adapted from a talk by Fr Chuck Gallagher sj in 1986.